Tears on the Dressing Room Floor

I feel like all I can say is help. I wish there was a super hero out there who would just come flying into my life and show/help me with this stupid weight loss thing. P.S I went and tried on close today....it was all I could do to keep from crying with my husband standing outside the door waiting to see the new outfits. So I quickly picked one and left.

The feelings I have right now are just I don't know..overwhelming failure. I know I haven't failed "yet" but you know what when you have been doing this for 8 years and never lose more then 20lbs it seems like failure to me.

It is ALL my fault too.

I know how and what to eat
I know to exercise
I know to drink water

I know ALL I need to know to make this work.

But I can't make it happen. I do good for a week maybe even a month if I am lucky. Then something comes along and just upsets the wagon and I jump off and go back to my old ways. My eating habits really are my worst enemy. I just can't seem to NOT eat foods that are bad for me. Sure I don't eat Burger King or McDonald's or those fast food places...But you know what I do eat. Taco Del Mar, Denny's, other sit down restaurants. When I go there I don't order anything deep fried, but I do get steak with potatoes and veggies, or I might have a eggs and stuff like that. Which are still loaded with calories. I love food and I hate it.


My fridge has good food in it. Cottage Cheese, Greek Yogurt, Feta Cheese, Pita, Roast Beef, Spinach, Eggs, Milk. We have chicken, steak and fish. But yet I still eat out. I hate eating out. The food is bland, and never cooked how you want it but I still go.

Since I am airing all my dirty laundry right now I might as well acknowledge the fact that I am a huge emotional eater. I eat to celebrate, I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am bored, and when I am excited. My life right now would fall into the extremely stressful area. I would like to get a hold of these eating habits now while I can.

I am going to have to 100% change how I do things, and that is scary to me. For me exercise is pardon the expression but it is a cake walk to me. I can do it with little effort. But eating that is the thing I can't get right.

I have a small budget to buy food with so I have become accustom to eating cheap things that are bad. So now I need to find cheap things that are good.

Last night I made James a stuffed pepper with brown rice and I had sauteed spinach with mushrooms and olive oil. ( That was after a day filled with Arby's) But that is beside the point, the food was good. So tonight we are going to have Fish, Brown Rice, Sauteed Spinach and maybe a black bean dish.

Surprisingly, I feel a little bit better now. I feel completely overwhelmed about all this but I NEED to change.

Fail

I think it is pretty obvious I have done terrible with this weight loss. It is strange I get to a point. It is the same point EVERY time. I hit that weight and then I back off and gain back what I have lost. I don't understand why I just can't break through that wall.

I am going to try and get back in the swing of things. After all I don't want to be this size forever. It is really going to make for a miserable summer of hiking with my sister up in the Gorge if I can't lose some weight.

Again I go.

Well I started back to school. I haven't done a workout in a few days. Not super concerned about that. I am more concerned that I haven't been paying attention to my diet. That is the part where I ALWAYS mess up on. But I know this and will get back to it. I am trying to figure out the open gym and swim schedule for the school. It never is very good, but maybe they have changed a few things which would make it more appealing to workout there.

I want to start lifting weights. I LOVE weight lifting. It makes me feel great when I can feel my muscles. hehehe.

I am still doing good though and have a lot of days left on my goal. So no worries.

Exercise Hobby??

Well I am doing FABULOUS!! I feel like my wagon has been up-righted and I am on track to somewhere I haven't been in a long time. The weight is coming off decently, but that isn't a big concern. My body is changing before my eyes and I LOVE it! I finally finally finally found a balance that works for me. I know it might not work for everyone but it works for me. I have a vitamin D deficiency. It is a pretty common thing in the NW lack of sunlight will do that to a person. I didn't have the best diet and I never went outside in the winter which means....ding ding ding always tired. I have noticed it was getting progressively worse or more noticeable is a more appropriate word for it, but I would wake up and be tired, I would have no energy to do anything, grouchy, angry, depressed you name it that was me. I had gotten worried at one point and hit WebMD because I seriously was concerned. So a simple blood test and bingo bango. I am now taking a vitamin D supplement(not to much don't worry.) I have started to drink more milk again. Back when I started noticing all this was when I moved here to the NW and I stopped drinking milk and started eating badly. What a mix. But I feel great now..I actually have energy to do stuff.

Now to discuss my title...

Tonight as I was exercising I was thinking about things and thinking about how I use to be. Really athletic and into sports and all that. I would have basketball practice and still find time for bike rides(intense ones) and exercise. I loved it! This was back when I was just a teenager and didn't really think of exercise as something bad yet..not that I do now but ya know. So I was thinking about all that and talking to my husband while and I think exercise has always been a hobby of mine. Like I use to love the feeling I would get, the changes, all that. Getting to view a new workout dvd. Learning the latest exercise craze. I day dream about opening my own fitness facilities, I yearn after shiny new workout equipment. I have been this way forever. Some how my true self just got lost in the shuffle of life and growing up. But I am back, ready to dust myself off and show everyone who I really am.

Exercising - 60 minutes;
Healthy food - $200'
Getting Back to the Healthy You - Priceless.

It is a lame quote but it is mine and it describes my feelings.

Finally Me Time!!!

I am on spring break as soon as I finish up my Economics class. Which will hopefully be tomorrow. I am so excited to have some time to myself away from school work and distractions. This is the first time I have been in a good place with diet and exercise and I have the chance to just focus on that for the next 2 weeks. That is awesome to me, I really can't wait. I am going to exercise and eat right and just take care of myself. I am about 4 lbs down and 4 to go in the next 2ish weeks. I will have met my 8 lbs a month goal if that happens. Which would put me right on track.

I know that this month might be easier and show a larger weight loss then months to come but I am excited anyway. I have my end goal in mind and I plan on making it there. I can't explain it but my attitude on this whole thing has changed and is very different to me then the last few times.

Thank You Oregon...

For not raining today. I was able to get out and go walking. I decided to go to a place I have never been before but wanted to check out. It was pretty nice but almost to short for my kind of walking. It was down by the river and wow that river was really high and just running like crazy. But I managed to do about 2.5 miles, with a lot of back tracking and circling back. So it worked. I then went to another spot and finished off my workout at a total of 3.4 miles. Not bad! I am hoping to get back up to my 5-7 miles every few days kinda walking.

I am not sure that I mentioned and it is kind of embarrassing and shows off my nerdy side. But I got out all my exercise equipment and set it up in a corner of the house..which we now officially call Club Stephanie!! HAAHAHA I am such a nerd. I told my husband that he could come to my club but he would need a membership first lol.

So the eating has been going fantastic. I haven't craved fast food, or greasy gross food in about 3 weeks now. AMAZING!! Since that was what I always wanted. And this eating every three hours is keeping me from binging which was also another big problem. I find myself at times wanting to snack and roam the kitchen..but I sit back and say just wait you can eat in blank blank hours/minutes whatever it is. And you know what by the time that I CAN eat the stuff I don't want it and find something better for me.

I am going to lose 50 lbs by my Birthday..it won't be easy but I think it is completely do-able.

Quicky

I rode my stationary bike last night..my behind hurts :-S!! I made an effort to workout for 45 minutes, I am trying that 30 minute or more theory of weight loss. I also got into some of my songs and started "dancing" while riding..husband things I am nuts!! He might be right. :D

Tonight I am going to do some boxing. Probably will throw in some free weights also.

We are having Crock Pot Buffalo Chicken...I don't really know what it is, I put some chicken tenderloins in the crock pot, and made some buffalo sauce for it to cook in..These could be really hot yikes!

I watched 2 episodes of Heavy last night. I was able to watch them online as I don't have A&E. I like that show, unlike the Biggest Loser people don't get voted off when they need to be there. It was inspiring.

The eating every 3 hours thing is working out so far so good.