I Can Run

I want to run! I sometimes get this overwhelming urge to just take off at a super fast run, run as hard and fast as I can. But I don't...I was always very athletic but never a runner. As I got bigger the mental block I had about running got bigger and bigger as my weight got bigger and bigger. In the past I would jog and get so out of breath or self conscious that I would mental just shut down. "Oh I can't do I need to stop" 10 steps later I was done. Feeling really shitty and lazy. This has gone on longer then I can even remember.

I don't know why today was any different. I went out for a walk because I was really pissed I couldn't find my bike helmet to start riding my bike again. So I went for a walk so I didn't tear the house apart looking for it.

I walked a bit then decided what the heck lets try some sprints no one is around. So I did a few lite jogging sprints. I loved it. So every time no one could see I would just take off at a dead run like a kid who was going out to recess. Then when someone came around I would stop. Soon I realized that I was beet red and huffing and puffing. These people must be thinking "Wow that girl is so out of shape she can't even walk up these hills!" Well me being a crazy person I just couldn't have that. So instead of hiding my running from people, when I came in view of them I just took off and ran as fast I could.

You know what I found out? I can run a helluva lot further and faster then I could have ever imagined. It was awesome!

I ended up doing 3.2 miles. 

Ask for help

I need help...I don't understand why these words are so hard for me to say. In almost every aspect of my life I have a hard time asking for help. When my son was born and I was recovering from a horrible infection and surgery I had a hard time asking for help. When I was in school again I had a hard time asking for help. When I needed help with finances I didn't ask for help. Right now, I need help with my weight loss and I still didn't ask for help.

I am not sure what it is about me that makes me this way. I will try a million different ways to do something before I ask for help. I am not sure if it was something that goes back to when I was younger or not. I guess that will always be a mystery.

Most people don't know this and it takes a LOT to admit this. But I am a failure when it comes to the one goal I have been working on for so long. Losing Weight.

I am everyone's biggest cheerleader and support system. I've seen many of my friends and weight loss buddies lose weight and reach their goals, but not me. I have the knowledge I need to do it. I know exactly what it takes. But for some reason when it comes to actually going through with it I just can't do it.

Finally I have decided to reach out and ask for help. My sister is dating someone who is getting a Masters degree in basically what amounts to just what I need.  So I finally just put it all out there and asked for help. What I have been doing, what I want to have happen all of it. I am hoping this is just the motivation that I need to get to my goal.

When I was young I was so very active. It was nothing for me to spend a few hours at basketball practice and then go and ride my bike for 6 miles ( up hills). I miss that person and want to be the adult version of her again. I don't want to live my life always sitting in the parking lot while everyone else goes and hikes up a crazy steep hill, or say no thanks because I am worried I might be to heavy to do a particular activity.

Always Selling

I am SICK to death of friends, family even strangers trying to sell me stuff. At first I was naive to it all. I was at a party and a guy starts talking to me about the weight he lost. I am of course interested because I am trying to lose weight. Stupid me thinks that maybe he is going to give me advice or something. WRONG! We talk for a few minutes and then comes the sales pitch. He wants me to buy products from him and sell them..Um NO I think pyramid schemes are ridiculous and I don't understand WHY people are still doing them. So this type of thing has been happening a LOT lately.
My husband and I get stopped by a lady..now I admit this one caught me off guard. She was a nice older lady who stopped us to talk to us about our baby(which happens often). So she asks what we do and we tell her, we have our own business. She says well that is great, I help small business people market themselves. Woah! NO way okay! Well she wants to meet us, so we meet up and BAM, trying to get us to sign up for Amway.

The most recent ones have to do with Beach Body coaches. I have nothing against you. I have friends who are coaches. But seriously stop pouncing on EVERY person trying to get healthy. I help manage a Facebook Group of about 3000 people we are a group that supports women in eating clean and working out. Or how ever you need support. We don't sell anything, we don't promote any one workout. It is literally 100% free no strings attached. We actually try to keep the spam and soliciting out of the group. The women are there to motivate themselves and each other and not be hounded or pressured into buying things so we don't allow any sales or anything. But I swear our group name must be in the BB hand book because they are coming to the group in mass amounts. Some of them are completely respectful of the group although who knows they are probably messaging members behind our back. But they don't post sales stuff in the group, which is what we ask. Then their are others that say PM for information on how you can lose weight like I did. Or they will post something similar and get unsuspecting women to fall for it. They then pitch them on Shakeology and all the workouts. Oh join my challenge group and then the people end up buying product because they see the results. Someone will ask what is a good workout and they start saying BB ones and then let me sell you one or PM. Our members are getting really upset by this and so are we.

I have even fallen victim to the BB coach talk. It was when I first joined the group and we were talking about our work. Someone says I am an Online Fitness Coach..Awesome! That sounds just like what I want to do. So I say Oh how do you do it? BAM I am suddenly being asked all these questions and buy a product! It was insane. I happens more then I like.

Like I said I don't hate you BB coaches but there has to be another way. So that it doesn't seem like you are sharks in the water waiting to pounce on the first person who mentions they did a situp.

My long time friend messaged me today on Facebook. Haven't talk to the guy in AGES but I know what he wants. He wants to get me to buy some stuff from him. He wanted to talk today! I made up a reason I couldn't and I won't talk to him again. I am just so sick of being sold stuff!!!

What Message Are We Sending?

I have been on this "get healthy" journey for many years. Why many years you ask well because even thought I know exactly what I need to be doing..I am not very good at following through. I am working on that thought. I had a lot of emotional issues that I needed to work through and I think I am doing a good job with all of those. I am finding a healthy balance between food and activity. I know some people have to be all or nothing and I don't want that to be me.

Today I saw something that got me thinking. Now in the beginning it didn't seem terrible to me, and to be honestly it doesn't still it just seems a bit sad I think. First let me just say I am 100% for being healthy, knowing your limits and also if you want to drink your meals go for it.

So here is what I saw we were out eating as a family which we do one time a week. I watched a couple my age come in and they had two small daughter. The father and daughters all got food to eat. The mom only had a glass of water and her green smoothie. Which we all know are healthy and not bad for you but that isn't what I am getting at. At first I was like Wow it takes real self control to be here and not eat.

Then I got to thinking more about what kind of message she was sending her young daughters. She was telling that them the food she was letting them have wasn't good and that she wasn't eating it. This I feel like will lead to them being cautious of food very early on which isn't bad, food education is a great idea. But when you are sitting there drinking your meal while they eat. I just got visions of the things we use to do in high school when we "dieted" we would only drink liquids, skip meals it set us up for a whole mess of problems later on. I remember watching my mom diet when I was a kid and she was eating healthy food and doing it in healthy ways but it STILL made me overly aware of size, weight and all of that at a very young age. I had body image issues when I was in second grade and just so you know my mom has NO idea. No idea that seeing her worry about her body so much caused that. So I was thinking about what these girls might think about their mom only drinking her dinner. Not that what she was drinking was bad but she could have easily ordered something healthy and clean to eat at the restaurant.

I guess the point of this whole writing is; do we really know the message we are sending to our kids? We are trying to be healthy but maybe we read a label and say Oh this has to many calories and suddenly you have a 8 year old refusing to eat cereal because it has to many calories( true story a girl refused her cereal because it had 110 calories). These kids aren't old enough to understand it like we do as adults. What they see is 100 and think that is a lot, or they see mom not eating and think it must be best not to eat. And no matter how much we think we are hiding these things we aren't.

Again so I don't get hate notes I don't think there is anything wrong with having shakes, or counting calories.

Workout ADD

I love to workout. I love the feeling I get when I am sweating my butt off and I love the feeling I get after a workout. I feel accomplished, I feel slightly tired and I just feel so good. I have more workout dvd's then one person should really have. But still I find that I get bored easily. I have found my new best friend when it comes to workouts. YouTube!! There are so many workout on there that you just put in what you feel like doing and there is likely a workout for it. It is completely awesome for someone like me!!

Lets talk about food a little bit. Tonight I made the BEST dinner ever. We have these salmon fillets and they tasted kinda gross when I was just steaming them. So tonight I was just trying to get ride of them. I mixed tomato sauce and paste with some clams and made a sauce. Seasoned it with garlic and chipotle pepper. Then I topped my salmon with it and YUM!! I keep experimenting with food to find healthy versions of things that just taste amazing. My snack tonight was peanut butter with cocoa it was similar to candy so that is a win for me.

Self-Confidence

When I was a teenager for a brief moment I had a lot of self-confidence. I was thin, pretty and got along great with everyone. I really honestly wish I could pin-point the moment that all changed. Well maybe it was when I was talking to a guy online I weighed probably 150 and I was 5'6 he told me I looked fat. Maybe that was it..I honestly don't know when it could have happened. But I can tell you that after it did I started taking notice of comments like you are fat, or you need to lose weight, or are you eating that. Recently I started talking to my sister about my weight problems and she said well it is no wonder you use to cook eggs and toast in the middle of the night...I had no memory of that. None at all! I do know that binge eating especially at night was a problem for me for a very long time.

But slowly I started to lack self confidence. I would not wear shorts my legs were to white, to lumpy, to short, to fat whatever reason I had I would sit in the heat of summer wearing pants. Then in adulthood I discovered capri's which became a staple in my closet for years. I only started wearing shorts when I was pregnant because lets be honest what kind of jerk will make fun of a pregnant lady. I think it comes down to the fact that I don't want to be made fun of.

I am always looking at my fat rolls, my fat stomach. I hate my stomach..I have always looked pregnant even when I wasn't. I have a very muscular frame so I pack on weight but I can carry it well. Most people would be shocked to know my actual weight because I carry it well.

So I need to work on my self confidence. My husband doesn't understand why I had this self hate for all these years. I don't either. But I do know that I am starting to find things about me that I love. I love my eyes. I love my skin, my nose. I will work on loving the rest of me, slowly. But I will get there.

Today I wore shorts out in public, I wasn't embarrassed and I didn't care what anyone thought of me. How about a little cheer for progress!!

Just a Quickie

For some reason I felt the need to delete all entries except from the last few days. But me being me I couldn't delete them so I made them unavailable. I am sick of looking back at the person who kept failing. I know that those experiences have given me the knowledge and will to be where I am today, but I feel like it is living in the past a bit. Every start over, every oh Monday. To me it feels a bit like cleaning out your closet and getting rid of all that junk. It feels good.

Today was another hot one here. Nothing like they are getting in Arizona but hot for here. Due to my little boy getting sick yesterday from the heat I was a cautious mama and didn't go out and do anything crazy. I am still well within my exercise every 3 days rule so its all good.

The more I learn about living a healthy lifestyle the more it feels like a game of the mind rather then body. If you can get your mind to cooperate then your body will too.

It is late and I need my beauty sleep.

When are you due?

Dreaded fat person questions. Here is a piece of advice. Unless you are absolutely, positively with out a doubt sure a woman is pregnant..don't ask! I don't care how curious you are. Have you heard the saying, curiosity killed the cat? Well guess what the fat lady killed the curious question people. :)

Today a well-meaning elderly couple asked me when I was due...while I was holding my 10 month old son. I admit that any extra weight on me goes to my stomach area and I look pregnant. In the past this would have triggered a WHOLE mess of things, emotional eating, pity party, self-consciousness kicking into full gear just to name a few. I never know what to say in that situation that doesn't make it worse, so I just kinda ignored it and said no, one is enough right now. It took them a while to get it. I admit I threw a pity party for about 5 minutes then I let it go. I continued on to my mom's house and saw a large plate of cookies, bags of chips, lets just say a emotional/binge eaters dream. I looked at it and grabbed some fruit. I thought about things and decided who cares if they or anyone else thinks I look pregnant because I have come a long way so far, I am not done with my journey so I won't let that set me back or even worse derail me completely. This mental thinking as been a LONG time in the making to be able to deal with this in a healthy way. So if you can't yet..don't worry you will.

Where I come from

I have sat down and wrote this about me many times. Why? I don’t know, over the last 13 years I have written it so many times I almost have it memorized. I always think back to that girl in second grade and if I could talk to her now I would tell her “you are not fat!”

Yes, you read that right my eating issues started back in second grade. There wasn’t a particular event that triggered it. No one called me fat; no one made fun of me. What I do remember was my best friend. She was a small petite girl (still is). I just remember standing next to her and being bigger then her. I was taller than her, but in a second graders mind that meant I was bigger and I must have been fatter. This was far from the truth because as an adult I see pictures of myself back then and I was a skinny kid all legs. But from that moment on I wouldn’t share clothes with friends because I was worried they wouldn’t fit. I would be worried about playing in things like tunnels because I didn’t want to get stuck. 

Fast forward to about 7^th grade, I still had those view of being fat. I also got braces that year which added to my self confidence issues. I was never an ugly person. I never got made fun of, I was actually pretty popular. So with the braces I ended up not eating lunch at school because I didn’t want to get food stuck in my teeth. I didn’t have time to brush afterward before class. So I didn’t eat lunch…I also didn’t eat breakfast.  I was also in Basketball and when I wasn’t practicing or playing games, I was exercising. Riding my bike 6 miles at a time, step aerobics, any kind of cardio I could think of...again I don’t really know why. I wouldn’t say I intentionally had an eating disorder because I wasn’t trying to starve.  I didn’t eat for the reasons I explained and I exercised because I liked it. 

I also remember during that time period I was very tired. I slept all the time. Looking back now it was clearly because I was starving. I was burning all these calories and not taking enough in. My neck was thinner then my forearm is now. Yet no one said anything. I would say it was mostly due to being naïve. I was naïve about the situation...I didn’t know anything about calories and exercise or how they worked and it would be YEARS before I fully understood the concept of your body needs a certain number of calories to function.  To just breathe, pump blood, run your nervous system you need a base number of calories...this would be why when people starve their bodies shut down I suppose.

I didn’t know it then but that naïve teenager set herself up for years of weight gain, weight loss, emotional eating, bingeing, slow metabolism and sometimes I honestly felt like I just wanted to give up and be fat forever. 

My attempts at weight loss in the past were let us be honest here; they were half-assed. In the beginning it was because I just didn’t have the knowledge to make good decisions. If there was a new diet I was on it because it promised me that which I wanted most….to be thin. 

Over the course of the years I educated myself on calories, proper nutrition and exercise. I learned the correct ways to lose weight. I learned that there is no quick way to lose weight. I learned that this is not a sprint where I can do well for a week and see results the next day. It is a marathon where I need to constantly be taking steps in the right direction and eventually my efforts will pay off. 

Of course knowing what I need to do and actually doing it are two different things. Even when I had all this knowledge I couldn’t maintain my motivation for any length of time because like everyone else I wanted instant gratification. If I ate well and exercised I wanted to see the results immediately. This mind set got me to start and stop my healthy lifestyle more than I can count. It also helped me gain 100lbs. Yes that is right I went from being a very active child and teenager to a 100lb over weight adult. This has been my life for the last 13 years. 

It seemed like I was always starting, always trying again, always waiting until Monday to start. Even with all the knowledge I had I still made bad food choices; I also chose not to workout.  I was full of excuses of why I couldn’t stick with it. Why I would never lose weight, why it was impossible that something was wrong with me. I even put off major things in my life because of my weight; .I put off having a child, I put off getting a degree in my dream field because who would take me serious if I was fat. I even worked at Curves for a while helping other people reach their fitness goals…yet I could never reach mine. I always wondered if my before pictures would ever have after pictures next to them. If people would ever say this is Stephanie she lost 100 lbs doesn’t she look great, or if I would be someone’s motivation. 

Somewhere in the last 13 years I became an emotional eater. At one point I begged my husband to help me. I said please help me, help me stop. At this point I would find myself just binge eating all night long. When I begged him he looked at me and said he had no idea I was eating that much…I had been sneaky about it. Emotional eating was very hard to overcome and still is a huge battle for me.  Let me tell you on a day that is extra hard I want nothing more than to just bury my head in the cupboard and eat everything in there. But I don’t, I’ve found other things to do. When I am stressed I workout, I browse the internet for fitness information and drink a warm cup of tea. Since I have a 10 month old sometimes I tell my husband to watch him and I lock myself in the bathroom and take a long warm bath. Bottom line I stay away from food. It takes practice to recognize when emotional eating is happening. I have figured that out with myself and each person has to figure it out for themselves…no one can do it for you. 

Not only am I an emotional eater but I LOVE food. I have a serious addiction to food. I love tasting new dishes and eating things that I have had a million times because they taste good. So I had to change the things that I love. I have picked healthy foods to love. I am a firm believer that everything should be in moderation. Food should NOT be the enemy, extremely limiting food groups is a huge disaster because for me if I tell myself I can NEVER, ever, ever have chocolate again…then I am going to really want it and drive myself bonkers until I have it.  Rather if I feel like having chocolate I have it. I don’t have it every day and I pick small sizes. Same with anything I eat that can’t be revamped into a healthy alternative. I realize this is a tricky thing to accomplish it took me many years to be able to indulge in certain foods and not completely go ballistic and eat huge portions.

Today I have dropped the excuses and about 30lbs. I have a LONG way to go, clearly. My mindset has changed. In the last two years I went through one of the darkest, most depressing times of my life. There was a death of a very close family member and loss of everything jobs, homes everything, the economy was not good to my family. But in that two years I learned something, no matter how horrible the situation there is a point when it turns around. I could sit and let my life pass me by; be the fat mom, the fat wife and never be happy. Or I could stop with the pity party and get my butt in gear. When I found out I was pregnant it was then that I knew for certain I would change. I never, ever want my kids to worry about being fat or overweight. Or get picked on for having a fat mom. I wanted to play with them and enjoy life with them. I need to be their example. Even though the tough times kept coming and still keep coming I just know that I can’t let my life stop because of them. Sometimes I feel like that character in the movie in the bullet proof vest that is getting pounded with bullets yet they still stand and push forward. This is my new mantra, just keep going. I can’t sit and wallow in it and feel bad. I let myself have those emotions but I have them when I am sweating my butt off working out. 

I am nowhere near my goal. I don’t think I will be there anytime soon and I am finally okay with that. I keep going; every step I take in the right direction is a step toward my goal. I know it won’t happen overnight and it won’t be quick but this is my life and I am changing my lifestyle for the long run.

Here is to being healthy for the future.

Lacking in the blogging department

I haven't meant to slack off on my blogging. But you know what having a baby is hard work! I thought that I would have more time as he got more mobile and needed me every second. WRONG!! Now I am constantly chasing him around and saying don't eat that or stop biting the cat. I rarely have a moment to write down my thoughts on my diary let alone here. I will try though. He is almost 10 months old now..I can't believe it.

I have still been on my get healthy track. Remember I took 9 months off..hehe it was sure nice not to have to think about the pressures of gaining weight or looking fat. But alas I can't be pregnant forever nor would I want to be.

I found an amazing group of women who are turning into a really great support system. I just love it so much. They have inspired me in so many ways. Give me that extra motivation when I can't find it on my own. I have also decided to go with my gut and follow the career path I have been wanting to take for years. Public Health Education: Physical Activities/Exercise. I put it off because I was overweight. I still am but I am sick of putting off my dreams and life because of this weight. I am ready to work hard to get where I want to go.

I have a new look on life and weight loss. It isn't a sprint I can't expect to eat really well and workout and be skinny the next day (but lord knows I would love that). It is more like a marathon. You have to eat right and exercise for the long haul and you will get where your going. I make it a point to go no more then 3 days without exercising. Youtube has become my best friend. I get VERY bored with workouts so I need to be able to hop on there and say okay I feel like cardio today..and find something new. Its great.

I really promise to write more if my boy will let me.

Confessions of a Foodie

I wasn't going to write about this. I know that I don't have to either. I can just not put it in print and then no one will now that I had a setback. Why do I feel like all of a sudden I am in a confessional. Father...I have sinned...

Well I have not done a great job at eating the last few days. As I told you I had a horrible sickness that passed. I honestly couldn't even stomach foods that I normally want to eat (still can't drink soda). So I thought I was in the clear, thought it would be easy..hey my body will do this work for me, it won't let me eat any of that stuff.

Then I started down that slippery slope...I went out with my sister and her friend on Friday after a day of looking for wedding dresses. We went to Red Robin not my favorite place..so I was okay. They have bottomless fries you know....I bet you can see where this is headed. Not just yet hold on for a moment. So at Red Robin I knew fries are my crack so I didn't order any...SAY WHAT!? You love french fries and you didn't order any?? Yep! But don't break out the trophy just yet. So I get a small cup of tortilla soup (high calorie I am sure) and a Turkey sandwich with water. Felt pretty darn good about that one. The next night we went to my parents house for second Christmas with my sister. So I hate pretty healthy there..no seriously I did. Then there was a bit of drama that I am not going to get into which resulted in us going out to dinner on Sunday night to Famous Daves BBQ. I got 4 sliders, I called them a variety pack of sandwiches because they are 4 of the most popular sandwiches there and I got mashed potatoes...no french fries yeah me!

Until tonight.....
We were out and about and my husband asked me where I wanted to go. I left it up to him it was between a place called Wok Inn and Red Robin...Wok Inn is a buffet but you get fresh meats, veggies and all that so it isn't to bad I never over eat there. BUT he let me choose between the two places...I picked Red Robin...Yes the place that I don't really even like. I got a burger that wasn't very good and french fries...I don't even know why..well I think I do actually. I think this has been festering inside me since the last time I was there when I didn't order them. So I got my crack...it took my 3 days but I got it. I feel just awful about it. Clearly this is a problem. It wasn't even like I was craving french fries. It wasn't on my mind. So I don't know what the heck happened. Maybe I should start a thing where I am x days free of french fries.

So like I said I didn't have to write about this I could have pretended it never happened. But it did and by pretending it never happened I would be in the same situation every other time.

Day 7 of the new year Day 0 French Fry free..

Happy New Year!

The new year was not so happy around my house. We rang in the New Year with friends and then no more then 6 hours into the New Year this momma got sick! Not just the regular sick but the lovely Norovirus sick. I swear I never get sick but when I do it is bad. While I was sick my husband took care of the baby which didn't go well considering baby wanted Momma who couldn't come near him and so he decided to scream most of the time. After the initial sickness it took several days to recover, however my husband ended up getting it a day after I did. So baby went to Grandmas for a day and then I was back to taking care of him even though I was feeling only about 75% better. Husband and I are on the mend and we are crossing our fingers that baby doesn't get this sickness.

So as you can see my idea to start my way to a healthier me has been postponed. I am getting myself geared up again to get this thing going. I have to...my sister announced her wedding will be April 6, 2013...WHAT! 3 months to look super hot...crap! I will do my best and definitely be giving my 90 day Supreme workout a go. The reason they gave such short notice is that they both work in the Hotel industry he is a head chef and she works in sales. So they barely ever get any time off except during the off season. So it was either do it now or wait another year which she wasn't going to do.

So we have the dress, we need a cake, and photographer. Should be easy enough....

The good news about the damn sickness is that it was like a reset for my body. I can't drink soda anymore it disgusts me. I am so afraid of eating the wrong food and getting sick that I just don't eat a ton of food and just eat when I am hungry and make sure it is bland and not greasy. So I guess have a bright side to being sick.

Here I go...I plan on doing my workout tonight I will let you know how it goes.

Reasons

One of the "homework" assignments given as part of the weight loss challenge was to write down at least 5 reasons that I want to lose weight.

1. Health
I am really lucky that overall my health is good. I don't have any illnesses related to being over weight yet. But I know it is just a matter of time. So my number one reason to get healthy is for my health. I had a taste of what it would be like to have diabetes during my pregnancy and I didn't like it at all. Plus I want to be around for a long time so I want my body to hold up.

2. My Son
Before I had a baby my life was my own. If I did something stupid or didn't do anything at all it was me who was effected. Of course after I got married things effected my husband to a point. But now I have a son. If I choose to gain 200lbs and eat crappy food my life will be short, my son will not have a mother. I have seen first hand what losing a parent does to someone and I don't want to have my son go through that if I can help it.So I need to be healthy.

3. Activity
I always was a very active person growing up. Of course with the addition of extra weight that has changed. I want to be able to go hiking, biking and swimming without having to be embarrassed because I am out of shape.

4. Set an example
I want to set an example for people. To be an inspiration, I know plenty of people who need to lose weight and I can't rightfully tell them that they need to when I am sitting here the way I am.

5. Vanity
Of course I would be lying if I said I won't care how I look. Because I would love to be able to walk into a store and pick up an outfit and have it look great on me. I don't go shopping anymore because nothing looks right.

Cravings are weird

I have a few minutes to write something while my boy is preoccupied with his flashy star toy we lovingly call "Star Friend".

 I have joined a weight loss challenge on Facebook. It is put on by someone who has had 3 children, and leads a very busy life but she still keeps fit and finds time to do that in. A question was asked on the group for the challenge about what would be our "Kryptonite" food.

French Fries...

As I wrote about before French Fries are the one food I can't avoid. The weird thing about that is I seldom actually crave french fries. I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I don't sit at my house and see an ad with fries and instantly need them. I have a few bags of fries in my freezer that have been there for months and haven't been eaten. French Fries don't make me a crazy lunatic until I get them, no that isn't how it works. If I go out to a restaurant that has French Fries that is where the problem start. I know I could order a side salad or some veggies but I don't. I know I could simply not get them at a fast food joint. But I don't when I see them on the menu I just have to have them with Ranch of course....that is how I gained so much weight in high school was eating fries everyday for lunch with ranch or BBQ sauce.

It is very hard for me to resist once I am standing/sitting there. We use to go to a Red Robin where the fries are bottomless..I use to make sure I ordered something that came with bottomless fries even if I didn't care for that meal itself. We have stopped going there because the calories in any of the food just wasn't worth it to me. I have not order fries since I last wrote about it. I did have a few from my husbands plate but I did not order my own. The good thing about skimming off my husbands plate is I only take 2 because I feel bad about eating his food.

I picked up a workout from Walmart that was 8.00 bucks that I have been wanting to buy since before I got pregnant only back then it was 20.00. It is Supreme 90 Day System. I previewed one of the first scheduled workout and it seems hard right now but definitely something that can be attained.

French Fries Galore

Well a lot has changed since my last post. That post was written exactly 14 days before my son Isaiah decided to make debut to the world. I have been in baby mode since then. He is a great little boy almost 4 months old now. SO funny! He cracks me up many times a day. He is also going to be an active little boy it is clear to me that I better begin training for the baby Olympics or I will be left in this little guys dust. He is already rolling over so he can get to different things he wants to play with...so much energy! So during the pregnancy as I mentioned previously I did not concern myself with losing weight(because your not suppose to). It was WONDERFUL!!! The first time in over 10 years that losing weight was not on my mind...it was peaceful. I didn't gain to much weight while pregnant under 30 pounds which was my goal. I know that sometimes pregnancy can get out of control and you can end up gaining the weight of an entire person. As I was already heavy I knew that I didn't want that to happen to me. After Isaiah was born I did lose the baby weight..most of it. I gained back about 8 pounds. With the arrival of a new baby means LOTS of pictures being taken of him and me. Before baby I wasn't fond of having pictures take of me because I was fat. After the baby I was okay with it because first of all everyone is looking at the little cutie not me, secondly I just had a baby I was allowed to be "fluffy". But now things are changing. I don't want to be one of those people that 5 years from now says well it is baby weight....no, no it is not! It is not doing a thing about it weight. I have seen pictures of me from Christmas these are the most recent and I don't like what I see. The time to change is upon me... I have identified what most of my problems are: FOOD! I love food, and the worse for me the better...nachos, pizza, french fries. Anything bad for me I love. I have a serious problem with fried foods and since being pregnant also candy. Which I went many, many years without wanting candy and now it seems like every time I go into the store I want to buy some. It is becoming clear to me that my food habits are becoming a problem. Don't get me wrong I love fruits and veggies. I often crave those things too, just not as much as the bad stuff. My first order of business is NO more french fries! These are my addiction I will go out to eat just to get them. The stupid thing is that I don't even really like them. I think it is just the greasy, salty factor that gets me. So from this point forward no more fries. I realize that there will be times when I slip and can't control it but the ultimate goal is to get my eating on a more healthy track and claim back the health that is mine. I have dodged having any major health issues but during the pregnancy I had a look into the future of what it might be if I got Diabetes and I didn't like that at all.. Here we go......

Almost time

I haven't had a chance to get to the pool this week. Having 3 doctors appointments a week doesn't give me a lot of extra time. This bums me out because just walking around in the pool really helped with all the aches and pains. I will have to try to get there on non-appointment days. The only problem is that they close really early those days and I am not sure when their open for my type of swimming. It is a therapy pool so they often have people in there doing physical therapy. That would be my dream job, working in the pool helping people with physical therapy. I love swimming and being in the water, and helping people. Seems like a win/win. I really wish I would have had better guidance in high school when it came to possible career choices. Who am I kidding though, I am almost 30 and still don't have a solid idea of what a good career would be. I do know that I don't want to be chained to a desk in a dark cubicle. Everything is coming along good with the baby. We only have a few weeks left and it is all becoming so real to me. I am really proud of myself for not having gained 80 or 100lbs during this pregnancy. I don't know what I did that made a difference. I didn't go crazy with cravings or allow myself loads of junk food. I am hovering between a total weight gain of 23 to 25lbs. I will be able to take him out for a few walks after he is born before the weather turns rainy so that will be really nice.

30 in 365

Today was my 29th Birthday. It feels like the end of something, like the last chapter of my twenties. I am not super upset about growing older, it means I am that much wiser..right..right? Well I have decided that the best way for me to leave my twenties is trying to get healthy. The thing I have been "trying" to do for the last 10 years. To me it is more than just being thin, and being able to try something on and have it fit me good. It is about being able to go hiking with my friends, go on adventures. Go out and go dancing with my friends and not feel like everyone in the club is looking at me.

I know that I am more then a fat lump, but to be honest most of the time that is all I feel like.

I took a speech class recently as a required class and one thing we had to do was give everyone a compliment when they gave a speech. I LOVED that because everyone was so nice. The nicest thing was that someone told me that I was very charming and my smile is very captivating. Those words have stuck with me. Because I am slowing realizing that I am so much more. More then these negative words that I say to myself, more than the horrible body image I have.

I am excited.

I have taken a first step. I kicked off my birthday with a hike up a 4000 ft mountain. I figured I could go and get some free birthday dinner, or I could go out and hike my butt off. I chose the hiking my butt off.

So today I celebrate first steps~

First 5K!

Tomorrow is the 5K my family and I are doing to honor our niece who passed away just shy of her 2nd birthday. I am excited! I have walked 5K on my own many times, I actually do it every time I go out to walk. But this time is different it is a RACE! I want to do good, but I have no even tried running in months, so I will have to go as fast as my little legs can carry me. According to my Nike+ I have done a 5K in 35 minutes but I don't know about that. We will see.

Slipping

I don't really want to clutter up this blog with feelings ( I have another place for that). I have been feeling super depressed lately. There are a lot of reasons: People are dying, hubby's dad is going down hill fast, we are having difficulties finding jobs, and on top of that my weight.

The weather has been a real drag around here lately, making me not want to go out and walk. I tell myself that I will do some other exercise at home..but I never do. Which makes me get really down on myself.

I don't know I just don't feel right. :-(

Today I did get out and walk. I went and did 4.5 miles in an hour. It was very nice. I miss it. It makes me feel so good. I have this fear that IF I don't get my weight under control right now. It will just keep getting bigger and bigger. We really want to have a baby, in the near future. But I don't want to get pregnant at this size because I know what that means...I will be bigger.

I am at the highest weight I have EVER been. 10 more pounds and I am at a weight I NEVER thought I would be close to. A weight that when you hear it you are like wow that is big. I am starting to look my weight now. Before I would weight 220 and people would think I was much lighter. I can't hide it anymore.

I NEED this!!!

Who is this??

Today I had a little laugh at myself. I was standing in the kitchen putting my Portabello Mushrooms in a bag to marinate. I added in the Olive Oil, the Balsamic Vinegar and started peeling the Garlic, and cutting the Onion, and grating the ginger. I thought about what I was doing and just thought "Who am I".. I literally have ginger root, garlic, onions, fresh veggies, fruit, olive oil in my house....and I use them to cook. In the past I never would have had these things.

I love it though. The fresh ingredients just taste so good. They add so many different flavors to things. There is something pretty awesome about preparing a healthy meal for yourself. Standing there and chopping up all the ingredients and making something out of them.

I have also started a walking group. We meet at the college and walk around the track for an hour or so and chit-chat. It really makes the walking much more fun when there is someone to talk about. The time really flies by.

The sun has been out here in Portland and it is AMAZING! Nothing like a good dose of Vitamin D. Which by the way they are saying helps with weight loss. THAT is why I am fat...I live in the Northwest were there is no sunshine..I can finally blame it on the rain..the RAIN made me FAT!! (hehehe)

Hope everyone is doing well.