Thursday, April 28, 2011

Tears on the Dressing Room Floor

I feel like all I can say is help. I wish there was a super hero out there who would just come flying into my life and show/help me with this stupid weight loss thing. P.S I went and tried on close was all I could do to keep from crying with my husband standing outside the door waiting to see the new outfits. So I quickly picked one and left.

The feelings I have right now are just I don't know..overwhelming failure. I know I haven't failed "yet" but you know what when you have been doing this for 8 years and never lose more then 20lbs it seems like failure to me.

It is ALL my fault too.

I know how and what to eat
I know to exercise
I know to drink water

I know ALL I need to know to make this work.

But I can't make it happen. I do good for a week maybe even a month if I am lucky. Then something comes along and just upsets the wagon and I jump off and go back to my old ways. My eating habits really are my worst enemy. I just can't seem to NOT eat foods that are bad for me. Sure I don't eat Burger King or McDonald's or those fast food places...But you know what I do eat. Taco Del Mar, Denny's, other sit down restaurants. When I go there I don't order anything deep fried, but I do get steak with potatoes and veggies, or I might have a eggs and stuff like that. Which are still loaded with calories. I love food and I hate it.

My fridge has good food in it. Cottage Cheese, Greek Yogurt, Feta Cheese, Pita, Roast Beef, Spinach, Eggs, Milk. We have chicken, steak and fish. But yet I still eat out. I hate eating out. The food is bland, and never cooked how you want it but I still go.

Since I am airing all my dirty laundry right now I might as well acknowledge the fact that I am a huge emotional eater. I eat to celebrate, I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am bored, and when I am excited. My life right now would fall into the extremely stressful area. I would like to get a hold of these eating habits now while I can.

I am going to have to 100% change how I do things, and that is scary to me. For me exercise is pardon the expression but it is a cake walk to me. I can do it with little effort. But eating that is the thing I can't get right.

I have a small budget to buy food with so I have become accustom to eating cheap things that are bad. So now I need to find cheap things that are good.

Last night I made James a stuffed pepper with brown rice and I had sauteed spinach with mushrooms and olive oil. ( That was after a day filled with Arby's) But that is beside the point, the food was good. So tonight we are going to have Fish, Brown Rice, Sauteed Spinach and maybe a black bean dish.

Surprisingly, I feel a little bit better now. I feel completely overwhelmed about all this but I NEED to change.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


I think it is pretty obvious I have done terrible with this weight loss. It is strange I get to a point. It is the same point EVERY time. I hit that weight and then I back off and gain back what I have lost. I don't understand why I just can't break through that wall.

I am going to try and get back in the swing of things. After all I don't want to be this size forever. It is really going to make for a miserable summer of hiking with my sister up in the Gorge if I can't lose some weight.