Thursday, April 28, 2011

Tears on the Dressing Room Floor

I feel like all I can say is help. I wish there was a super hero out there who would just come flying into my life and show/help me with this stupid weight loss thing. P.S I went and tried on close was all I could do to keep from crying with my husband standing outside the door waiting to see the new outfits. So I quickly picked one and left.

The feelings I have right now are just I don't know..overwhelming failure. I know I haven't failed "yet" but you know what when you have been doing this for 8 years and never lose more then 20lbs it seems like failure to me.

It is ALL my fault too.

I know how and what to eat
I know to exercise
I know to drink water

I know ALL I need to know to make this work.

But I can't make it happen. I do good for a week maybe even a month if I am lucky. Then something comes along and just upsets the wagon and I jump off and go back to my old ways. My eating habits really are my worst enemy. I just can't seem to NOT eat foods that are bad for me. Sure I don't eat Burger King or McDonald's or those fast food places...But you know what I do eat. Taco Del Mar, Denny's, other sit down restaurants. When I go there I don't order anything deep fried, but I do get steak with potatoes and veggies, or I might have a eggs and stuff like that. Which are still loaded with calories. I love food and I hate it.

My fridge has good food in it. Cottage Cheese, Greek Yogurt, Feta Cheese, Pita, Roast Beef, Spinach, Eggs, Milk. We have chicken, steak and fish. But yet I still eat out. I hate eating out. The food is bland, and never cooked how you want it but I still go.

Since I am airing all my dirty laundry right now I might as well acknowledge the fact that I am a huge emotional eater. I eat to celebrate, I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am bored, and when I am excited. My life right now would fall into the extremely stressful area. I would like to get a hold of these eating habits now while I can.

I am going to have to 100% change how I do things, and that is scary to me. For me exercise is pardon the expression but it is a cake walk to me. I can do it with little effort. But eating that is the thing I can't get right.

I have a small budget to buy food with so I have become accustom to eating cheap things that are bad. So now I need to find cheap things that are good.

Last night I made James a stuffed pepper with brown rice and I had sauteed spinach with mushrooms and olive oil. ( That was after a day filled with Arby's) But that is beside the point, the food was good. So tonight we are going to have Fish, Brown Rice, Sauteed Spinach and maybe a black bean dish.

Surprisingly, I feel a little bit better now. I feel completely overwhelmed about all this but I NEED to change.


  1. awww you need to make conscious choices about your food. your budget will be bigger if you can mostly eat in or pack food... plus the sodium and fat levels will be lower. Trying hard is sometimes better for the learning process and change than just having great results on the scale. Focus on living healthy and possibly join to count your calories consciously if need be.

  2. Ever wonder if maybe we're supposed to be this size? I do! I wish I knew that Diet Fairy/Superhero guy too - if you find him, please send him my way when you're done with him!

    Buying clothes is the worst! I'd hug you if I could! Don't let it get to you too much. Easier said than done, I know - but hang in there!