When I was a teenager for a brief moment I had a lot of self-confidence. I was thin, pretty and got along great with everyone. I really honestly wish I could pin-point the moment that all changed. Well maybe it was when I was talking to a guy online I weighed probably 150 and I was 5'6 he told me I looked fat. Maybe that was it..I honestly don't know when it could have happened. But I can tell you that after it did I started taking notice of comments like you are fat, or you need to lose weight, or are you eating that. Recently I started talking to my sister about my weight problems and she said well it is no wonder you use to cook eggs and toast in the middle of the night...I had no memory of that. None at all! I do know that binge eating especially at night was a problem for me for a very long time.
But slowly I started to lack self confidence. I would not wear shorts my legs were to white, to lumpy, to short, to fat whatever reason I had I would sit in the heat of summer wearing pants. Then in adulthood I discovered capri's which became a staple in my closet for years. I only started wearing shorts when I was pregnant because lets be honest what kind of jerk will make fun of a pregnant lady. I think it comes down to the fact that I don't want to be made fun of.
I am always looking at my fat rolls, my fat stomach. I hate my stomach..I have always looked pregnant even when I wasn't. I have a very muscular frame so I pack on weight but I can carry it well. Most people would be shocked to know my actual weight because I carry it well.
So I need to work on my self confidence. My husband doesn't understand why I had this self hate for all these years. I don't either. But I do know that I am starting to find things about me that I love. I love my eyes. I love my skin, my nose. I will work on loving the rest of me, slowly. But I will get there.
Today I wore shorts out in public, I wasn't embarrassed and I didn't care what anyone thought of me. How about a little cheer for progress!!