Slipping

I don't really want to clutter up this blog with feelings ( I have another place for that). I have been feeling super depressed lately. There are a lot of reasons: People are dying, hubby's dad is going down hill fast, we are having difficulties finding jobs, and on top of that my weight.

The weather has been a real drag around here lately, making me not want to go out and walk. I tell myself that I will do some other exercise at home..but I never do. Which makes me get really down on myself.

I don't know I just don't feel right. :-(

Today I did get out and walk. I went and did 4.5 miles in an hour. It was very nice. I miss it. It makes me feel so good. I have this fear that IF I don't get my weight under control right now. It will just keep getting bigger and bigger. We really want to have a baby, in the near future. But I don't want to get pregnant at this size because I know what that means...I will be bigger.

I am at the highest weight I have EVER been. 10 more pounds and I am at a weight I NEVER thought I would be close to. A weight that when you hear it you are like wow that is big. I am starting to look my weight now. Before I would weight 220 and people would think I was much lighter. I can't hide it anymore.

I NEED this!!!